mysteries, and knowledge, and mountains.

A funny thing happened last night.

I'm on church vacation, so I passed up prayer meeting to go out with the experimental psych crowd in downtown Springfield. Great food, great drinks, great conversation. People parted ways, and I ended up meandering downtown with a classmate. And then started the funny.

We went to Whisler's, a hole-in-the-wall hamburger joint on McDaniel, and then sat out in the town square for awhile. Beautiful night. Warm (-er than Chicago). Big, bright moon. He and I are talking. He's again (we had had this conversation before) trying to convince me that he's a psychologically healthy being, despite his constant use of sarcasm to deflect genuine conversation. Then, he goes here:

"Actually, I think that's why I like you so much. You have this cold, bitchy side that is just as narcissistic and sarcastic as I am."

That was meant to be a compliment. Really. He assumed that I appreciate his constant sarcasm, and consider us to be similar creatures, and thus would be happy to be compared in such a way. But, as I don't live in Bizarre-o World, it came to me as a slam. And a wake-up call.

I'd been sitting there searching desperately for an exit, but he's been getting his cues from me the whole time.

I don't think I'm quite as sarcastic and mean-spirited as he seems to have projected onto me, but I do think the hard edge is there. The sarcasm, and elitism, and seeming coldness. That's a problem.

I told him so. I apologized, sincerely. Explained that though I sometimes give the impression that my ideas are superior to others, and that it's okay to be hyper-critical, I don't want to be that way. So, if he thinks that he's found a friend in my more negative attributes, I need him to know that those are the attributes I'm trying to change. Where there's mean-spirited sarcasm, I want there to be open kindness. Where there's elitism--understanding.

Him: "But everyone needs to vent after being nice to morons the whole day."
Me: "Yeeeah, see...My goal is to not see them as morons, but people. And to not front kindness, but to actually feel it."

It was a night.

And it led me directly back to my issues with the church. My heart breaks to know how I've fallen short of showing real love to people. Even as I don't know how to show real love. There has to be a space for dialogue and disagreement. But first, before the mysteries, and knowledge, and mountains, there has to be Love.