created god/Creator God.

God is good.

I rarely say things like that. Not that it's rarely true. It's always true. I just don't talk that way. It wigs out my pot-smoking friends. And my non pot-smoking friends, come to that.

But today, friends, I will say--aloud, mind you--that God is good.

I have been marveling recently at the grandeur of God's love. That if in fact there is a God (as I believe there is), He created the terrible beauty of this world, and gave me eyes to see it, and a heart to be stirred by it. What love.

The pastor of my church gave a message tonight on weakness. And as he spoke of his own struggles (some heart-shattering words of hope and brokenness), and of how God worked through his weakness, I realized... I don't really believe that God will use me.

Even as I write that, a million objections leap to mind. I don't mean to imply that I don't think I have purpose. Or that my life is in any way without worth, or that I am in any way without skill or ability.

But I have lived for so long as an outsider to the church, that I wonder if I have somehow stunted my sense of purpose within His church. I have lived so wholly within the deception that I create my life's meaning, that now, I fear I've lost the meaning. I've assumed that His perfect will can't ever be truly known, and so we all must fight blindly through, to our own purposes. Perhaps I have allowed my created god to take the place of the Creator God.

Some questions: If I've known myself to be the recipient of God's gifts, why haven't I assumed they'd have a purpose, a fulfillment? I've felt that I have a purpose outside the Christian world--why has that become so separate from my role within the body? How will my faith change as a result of actively seeking God's purpose for my life? How will I do that without becoming a weird, Christian-y Christian who uses phrases like "actively seeking God's purpose for my life"? What if it seems my skills are pushing me in a direction that is just crazy to me? How do I make sure it's God's voice guiding me, rather than that of my culture, or people I admire? What will happen to me through this whole process? What can I not anticipate?

What dreams may come.