hands wide open.

God is doing this revival thing in my life. It's pretty dope.

For the first time in a very, exceptionally long time, I'm in prayer every night. Not like, quiet, polite  listicles of prayers and praises. I'm not working any acronyms here.

But like raw and real, rocking out, arms up, tears and snot, and "I will not leave this place until you give me a word, G" kinda prayer.

One of my favorite sweet jams in this mood is Will Reagan's live cut of "Nothing I hold on to." There's an extended chorus with a bunch of people in a room shout-singing to Jesus, a couple of drums, and a guitar, and a mess of grace. And in the middle, they sing the line "I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open," over and over until Heaven hears them.

I don't know what he meant when he wrote it, but what I mean when I sing it is this...

God, I will walk through this season, whether it is the very best, or absolute desolation, with my hands wide open -- I'm not going to hold too tight to the blessings, nor sink too far into defeat. Lord, I'm not wrapping my fists around the status quo, not around the pride, not around money nor stuff, not around comfort. I'm not not grabbing onto insecurity, or fear, or pain. There is nothing I hold on to, Lord, because everything I need is you.

It has taken me a long time to realize that I am in the wilderness. Really that we are, both my husband and I. But now that the scales are gone, and I see the woods, the panic has drained away. I'm not lost. God is here just as surely as the mountaintop, and this place has a kick-ass worship band, y'all.

I don't know the answers to any of my most desperate questions. Will my husband find the right job? Will we be planted into the right church for us? Will I find meaningful work? Will we have a family? Will I finally get the pergola I've always dreamed of? How long will these things take? Will I write things that inspire people? Will I ever learn how to properly use a curling iron?

I don't know. But he found me. And there is nothing I hold on to. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.