losing loving.

I'm reading through some of the first posts on this blog, and you know what I love most about them? They're so, so pure. They were written back before I knew anybody, or anybody knew me. They're pre-volunteering, and before the Easter video. Before I applied to James River, or AGTS, and started feeling the pressure of my own perceptions of Christian perfection. They're so honest. When I didn't believe, I said so. And when I really, really believed, I said that, too.

Most of all, I miss that faith. The faith that put everything out there, and didn't seem to care about the costs and the benefits. That faith was ready to walk...be it towards God, or away from Him. Now, it's so complicated.

Sometimes, I want to shut out everyone. Just to know God. Just to remember what it was to be new with Him. Not to worry about the perceived, and the legitimate, pressures of ministry.

Because, there are pressures. And I know that sounds outrageous for me to say. I'm not actively on staff with a ministry, I'm not "on the stage," so to speak. But all the same, the pressure is there. The pressure to feel constantly "right" with God, because...how can you help lead services from production on a Sunday, knowing that thousands of people will shuffle through below, and also knowing that you're not on top of your game spiritually? How can you have discussions with pastor after pastor for a thesis that's all about bringing people closer to God, knowing that you yourself are feeling weak? How can you make decisions about ministry and seminary and relationships, knowing that you're blowing it big-time?

I miss the gentleness of first faith. The part where I didn't feel responsible for anything or anyone else. I got to amble through, figuring it out just for me. Now, it's so much more. Now, when I figure it out, I figure it out in relationship with and for other people. I feel a call to use what I have for Him, and in that, I fear failure. I feel pressure.

Somewhere in that, I think I lose the simplicity of loving God. Just loving Him. Allowing Him to love me. I miss the moments untainted. I miss the sense that there's no call. Feeling called to something is so serious to me, so heavy.

But what about God? What was great about those early posts was that they were all about God. Can I live in ministry, and love God? How do people do it? How do they balance the pressures, on time and health and heart, with the point of it all?