ice loves coco.

Let's get real up in here.

Do you think we can be given unwanted gifts by God?

That is...is it possible that God has given me the "gift of singleness" though there are in fact few things I want less?

My roommate has this theory that there should be confirmation inside us of the spiritual gifts we've received, such that if we are "blessed" with singleness (often heroically repackaged as an ability to singularly focus on God), we'd know it, and have a desire and heart for it.

I'm not so sure of this. God doesn't always seem to work that way. We get all sorts of things we don't want. Like tornadoes, and obnoxious coworkers, and scurvy. And we're told that God is big and mysterious, and even though I don't understand why Suzy won't stop freaking chewing that gum with her huge, wide mouth open for 8 hours a day, God has a plan for my relationship with her. That gum-chewing is an opportunity for grace, and some day, when she's with me in heaven, her jaw will be quiet. Hallelujah.

So we get things we don't want. Bad things happen.

Will I be single forever? Is it possible that though my desire is to have a partner to help me in all of this--to encourage my faith, and for whom I can be an encouragement, to help push me towards greater acts for God, and on whom I can push--that God has no such plans for me?

A lot of girls get tripped up by insecurity. "I'm single because I'm not pretty enough." Or smart, or funny, or normal, or kind, or Christian enough. And while I of course have insecurity, mine isn't quite like that. Mine is like this...

I'm single because I haven't met that guy who is both ready to step into the role my faith requires, and is interested in me. I'm single because in my entire life, in 26 years, I know of only three guys I'd consider for more. One of them is now married, one is not interested, and one I've never met.

Thus, my real insecurity right now is that I will never meet the one. And if I never do, it'll be because God willed it. Because He gave me the flipping "gift" of singleness, which frankly, I'd sooner throw into the ocean, or send to the desert, or leave at a Joyce Meyer conference.

So...can God give me a "gift" that I don't want? If I pray hard enough, will I want it? If I can honestly say, "Your will, not mine" will I miraculously begin to think that singleness is as fabulous as marriage? Because I watch "Ice loves Coco" and that shh looks great...

On a serious note, I've not yet dealt with this as I am now because I haven't felt ready. Until recently, I've felt a check inside of me, telling me to hold off, to wait on dating. Now the check is gone, and there's a mess of new challenges in Christ.

Ultimately, I choose God. If marriage is not in the cards for me soon or ever, I choose God. But, in full honesty, I need His help in keeping my heart from bitterness, from the hurt and anger of wanting something I don't have, something I think would be really great.

And that's real.