Papa don't raise no fools.

I've always loved the altar of a silent sanctuary.

In Galesburg, Illinois, where I went to college, there's scarce an altar at which I haven't knelt. I would walk in the afternoons to clear my head, all over, stopping at the churches, trying their doors, and--finding them open--taking a moment in prayer at the altar.

My life was otherwise in disarray. I thought I was living life fully, being adventurous. Interesting euphemisms for binge drinking. At any rate, my behavior was on the mild end, for a liberal, hard-studying, hard-drinking bunch of nerdy kids. But I knew it was off. Though, who really cares about the behavior when the heart was so lost?

Some nights, I would wander away from a party, messed up and drunk, and sobbing out to God. I knew there was a corner to turn, and just didn't get it, couldn't see it, wouldn't take it. I wanted Him or whatever I thought He was, so badly. But I couldn't seem to make it all fit. My heart cried out for God. My mind said there was no such thing.

I'm a little bit older now. A little bit smarter, maybe. Little bit wiser, hopefully. And I can see that I was entrenched in a postmodern paradigm without understanding it to be only a paradigm. I saw only reality, or what I thought was real. Something in me told me that there was this God who loved a certain way, and whose love called forth a particular question (maybe..."will you?"). But everything around me suggested something else, something different. It all said, "Any love that's love doesn't exact a price--if there is a God, He is okay with your exploration."

And in a sense, He is. But I doubt that He's a foolish God, or one who harbors fools.

As I walk with Him, the greatest reality is His sovereignty. Consistently, His power comes out to meet me, shifting, and molding, and re-shaping my heart and mind in ways I didn't, or couldn't have known, to expect. It is as though He is rooting out all of the old misunderstandings, replacing them with a living knowledge of His absolute Grace.

Piece by piece, the world slides into place. What I didn't understand, I come to see. What seemed outrageous or intolerant takes its place in Godly wisdom. I panic. Brainwashing? Yes, or no. Always one or the other. Backtrack, or keep moving forward. He helps me to discern.

But the sovereignty--it is at the core of the reality. A world ruled by a loving God looks very different than a world ruled by no God at all, or worse, ruled by our own individual hearts. How do you teach that to someone? How can you show someone something she can't see?

I suppose you can't. I learned from Tim Keene during that first meeting so many months ago, that God does the saving. We do the living, and the loving. He does the changing. The sighting.

Then sometimes, He is already giving the vision. Strongly, and clearly, and with breathtaking vividness. We just don't trust ourselves to see whatever it is He has. So, we walk, and walk, and walk, kneeling at the altar, crying out for help when the answer is already there. His love is there.