Muddy Waters.

I am sad. Really sad.

I went to James River's Newcomers' Dinner tonight. All was going fairly well (minus a weird statistic involving the optimal age window in which to indoctrinate children with Christian theology), until the end. I began a conversation with a wonderfully kind and accessible woman. And somehow, in the middle of it, I remembered why I tend to prefer non-Christians.

See, Christians and I, we're fine as long as we stay on the pop-freeway. "Did you see the season finale of Army Wives? Oh my gosh, they found Pamela's stalker!" We're also fine when I pretend to be one of them. "Yeah, I just feel that the Lord has really been speaking to my heart about spending more time in the Word."

The trouble comes when I speak as myself. "I won't lie, I'm really struggling with this church because I wonder if the ways in which money is used for trendiness is really what Jesus intended. I hope that's not offensive. I'm just having a hard time with it." Also, apparently I make far too many references to books I've read.

I don't want to single out my conversational Christian because I think that she's great. She's clearly kind, and devoted to her family, and her Lord. If I could stop being me, she's exactly the kind of person I'd want to be best friends with.

But as she talked, my heart sank. First, because she insisted that the church "has to be trendy to keep up" with the world around us. Then, because she told me that thinking is good, reading is good, but "too much of either can muddy the waters." As though there's any amount of either that could topple God. The more I read, and think, and experience, and ask questions...the closer I come to Christ. Maybe not the comfortable and trendy middle-class conception of Christ. But the real, radical, raw, and sacrificial Christ of the Scriptures.

I want so badly to be able to belong to a Church. In all honesty, I don't know that I'm made for church. Maybe I need to make a quick weekend trip to The Journey for a re-charge....