new place.

My faith is changing drastically. It's growing.

Like so: I found a job that is a stable job, but one with challenges, and definitely not a job I love, and the deeper my heart sinks, the more I find my love for God. I cry a lot more than I ever have, and as I do, I remember this prayer I used to make on Wednesday nights. When the "sick list" would come up, I'd pick one or two names, and pray fervently for Felicia, or Elmer, that more than healing, they'd experience joy in sickness. I prayed for healing, too. But more than that, I prayed that in the midst of the pain that wracked their bodies, or the anguish of their hearts, they would lift their arms, and give full praise, and all honor to the God who called those bodies to be.

Because I think that praise in weakness is the source of strength.

I don't mind saying that I'm fighting hopelessness recently--anxiety about how He'll work His promises for me from what looks like impossibility. I've won some battles. I've lost some. But it's so interesting to me that in the middle of the most intense time of uncertainty I've experienced, maybe ever, He is working some of the greatest change my faith has yet known.

Even in the last month, I've come to know God more closely. I love Him now in a way I didn't in May, or June, or July. I trust Him. I believe in Him. I find my heart softening, and my wisdom going deeper.

I'm crying more lately, because I feel scared and sad in these circumstances, and I'm wondering how this will all come together, and how to keep the faith in the meantime. But I'm also praising, and in that, there's joy.

I'm praying. I'm finding a need for His Word that is...driven. It's all very different, and not that it was bad before, but whatever it was, it now IS awe-some, awe-filled.

I've neglected this blog recently, but I don't want to miss this moment. I write to remember, to read later. To track the times from each moment to the next so that at each new place, I can read back and see His goodness.

This is a new place.