benched.

I think I may be living a tremendously important part of my faith right now.

There's nothing happening outwardly to suggest that's the case. In fact, quite the opposite.

I feel as though my life is on hold. Nothing I thought would happen in ministry happened. I took a job that is good, but certainly not a passion for me. I'm barely pulling through on my thesis (to be honest). I'm looking at some major things that have to be paid off, wondering how I will handle that and keep progressing through new seasons of life. I'm dragging.

A few months ago it seemed like if I wanted to walk into ministry, it was all going to work out. As though I could throw the full force of what I've got into the cause, and really excel.

And really excel. Interesting words.

Instead of being in active vocational ministry, I am now learning deeply, in an incredible way, the reason for ministry. I was so intent on using my skills to "advance ministry" that I think I may have missed the reality. I wanted to do well to help people, but didn't fully understand that I'm not just helping them--I'm helping them to Christ.

Now, benched from the possibilities of excelling, I have no choice but to love God alone. I can't love results, and I can't love my "job" in vocational ministry, because those things are not gifts I was given. And in the interim, I'm learning that life is ministry, and the people I cannot stand at work are those to whom I was sent, and that my faith is both tremendously stronger and outrageously weaker than I had thought.

There are points over the last couple of months at which I thought I'd surely go under. One challenge after another--I've felt as though any weak spot I possess has been targeted and hit. But instead, I'm finding a passion for God, and a belief in the Gospel, that is much purer than any I've ever known.

I don't know what the plan is. I do know that these moments, however much they drag, are formative.