deeply held.

Why do you want to grow up so fast?

As to an 11-year-old begging to wear some make-up, I'm asking myself that question.

Ashley, why do you want to grow up so fast in Christ?

It's been a month of failures. There've been victories, to be sure. But failures as well--my own, and others'. And it all has me thinking about the depth of faith. About how some things that grow fast don't grow deep. About how talent or intelligence or ability are all poor substitutes for experience. About how important is the wisdom before me, the faith that grows deep before God.

The last year has moved fast, and in some ways, God has given me wisdom far beyond what I'd expect to have at this point. There have been moments in which I've known myself to be on the receiving end of calm, or peace, or understanding that I did not come by naturally.

I'm sensing, though, that there's some deep growth that has to happen if I'm not going to find myself in a bad place sooner or later. I'm excited about the stuff going on--I'm writing this awesome thesis on the discipleship process, and applying to seminary. But am I trying to grow up too fast? Am I ignoring some of the big issues of trust, stuff that few others can see, relying instead on momentum and academic skills to push forward my faith? I don't actually need to ask. I know that the answer is yes.

Maybe I sound as though I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm not. I don't feel guilty, or bad about this. I feel hopeful. In realizing, I can go to God. In approaching Him, there's power to be set right. Maybe I sound as though I'm attempting to right myself. I don't think I am. I'm using the wisdom in my heart, currently a wisdom that says to slow it down and get real with God, to seek more of His wisdom.

I don't ever want to be one of the failures I'm seeing. Not for my own sake, and not for the sake of the people I'll love and who'll love me, and most certainly not for His sake.

I don't think this means that I need to stop what I'm doing. Just that I need to be more intentional in my faith, to keep Christ as the focus of all of it. To slow down my thoughts, and be ready to accept wisdom from within me, and around me.

To be more interested in growing deep, than in growing fast.