an unexpected Christian.

When I started this, it was (unbeknownst to me) a blog about becoming a Christian. Then it became a blog about how to be a Christian--not prescriptive, but how I was learning to be a Christian, in the face of overwhelming doubts and questions. I am positive that I will want to turn from this yet. I'm sure all do, at some time. But I'm not there anymore, so what is this blog about now?

I've been struggling with that recently, until today. I realized that, if I care to be honest, there's much about my life as a Christian I'd love to process through. There's much that I imagine is shared experience in this life.

I am a dedicated volunteer who doesn't always feel so dedicated. I struggle with the meaning of ministry, and the temptation to glorify myself over Him as I serve. I sometimes get so lost in the actions, I forget the purpose. I wonder how people avoid burnout, and how they work through those times when their hearts are messed up, but they still have to show up. I think about how to deal with people I don't particularly care for, within the church. How do I show confidence and humility simultaneously, especially when those around me have so much much experience? What do I say to unsaved friends about my faith? How much is too much to share? What if I never make it with them to the point of Christ? What about my past? I know that this me that I am is so different, and how do I help people with the transition? Forget that, how do I be the me who has Christ when I spend time with people with whom it's so easy to sink back? And just that I have a past. How do I share openly about the alcohol and the sex? There are people who can benefit from my wisdom--how do I know when those moments come? How do I make sure that I'm not pretending as though "Oh, no, I've never done that," just to save face? How am I going to deal openly with those things myself, as my understanding of sin only grows deeper? Will it be like waking up to a nightmare, every time I understand a little more, a little better, to realize all over again...? How will I incorporate new ideas into my faith? What do I do when I get questions I can't answer--like my mother calling me, asking me what happened to all of the people who died before Christ came? I'm not in fear of losing my faith, but I do fear not helping others to theirs. How will I answer those questions? What about the rest of my life? I'm not so worried about the direction anymore, but some of the particulars upset me. What if it's not in His plan for me to get married? How will I deal with that pain? Right now, it's harder than it once was, but easier than it might be yet, to imagine that God has the perfect guy for me, but what if that's not the plan? Will I know? Or just keep waiting? And if I know, what will my faith look like? In the mean time, how do I follow Him so closely it never matters? How do I deal with my own imperfections? The disappointment of sin?

These are things the firmly Christian me thinks. I can't be the only one.

At any rate, I think that this blog has life yet. There it is. There's its life. Life as an unexpected Christian.

I have great hope that my staying close to Christ will resolve all of those questions, and the many that I don't even yet know to ask. But, I'm human.