forgive me Father, for...

Life in the church is hitting me like a freight train this week.

The heart ache of shared tragedy. The busy-ness of conferences, and councils, and holidays. The intricacies of personal relationship, when God is watching your heart, and knowing your thoughts. The awareness that comes with knowing that in a few days, a whole mess of people are going to see a part of your heart for God.

I see it all, and think, "I can't possibly live all of this." And then, "Thank God, I don't have to do it on my own."

This week has been a hard one for my church. A week that has me thinking a lot about holiness. About my own sin, and how little attention I pay to it. For me, sin is a million negative comments, thoughts simmered in anger, or frustration, or callousness, that no doubt affect my heart's ability to love Christ the way I ought to, to love others the way they deserve to be loved. That isn't my only failure, but it hits the hardest.

At night, I've been forcing myself to confess. Well, first, to think. Not to gloss over the sins of my day, but to remember, that in remembering I might seek forgiveness, and free my heart from the deception of my own lies to myself. Those lies that say things like "You've nothing to confess, you've no sin."

These conversations about sin can sometimes seem creepy. I hated hearing about sin when I first came here. Thought that the intense focus on it encouraged people to feel more poorly about themselves than was necessary. Felt that the word "sin" was too intense--too fiery and negative.

The word still makes me cringe. Partially still because it seems so intense, so fire and brimstone. But now also because I understand sin to be a separation from God. And, having been close to Him, the separation is painful. And yet...

So I try to confess. Try to remember, to pay more attention to my thoughts--those I allow to fester and poison my heart. It's not easy. I think I probably need to gain some wisdom of balance. How do I acknowledge, and confess sin without becoming mired in the guilt and hurt that comes with realizing what I've done? When I know I've fallen short, not loved someone the way I should, or worse still, hurt someone, made someone feel less than the preciousness they were created as, how do I recall that, focus it, confess it, seek forgiveness for it, and then really experience that forgiveness?

Is that an issue of really understanding God's love for me? Maybe.

At any rate, I do believe that part of the power of confession is the license it gives for His great power to move through my heart. For now, that will have to be the wisdom needed.