tongue-tied.

Can I just be honest for a second?

I cannot seem to keep my mouth in check. Lately, I have been saying things to people, and either immediately, or a few days later, it hits me... what in the world was I thinking?

Sometimes, it's small. Maybe s/he didn't think a second thought. Other times, it's huge, and I know I've got some apologizing to do. Often, it's with other Christians, and I'm fairly sure that though I'm proving myself obnoxious, I'm not leading anyone astray. Too often, it's with people who already have a disdain for Christianity, and I realize that I am hurting them in a much greater way than with gossip or insult.

Across the board, I cannot seem to reign it in.

I hype myself up to talk with certain people, knowing I tend to say dumb things around them. And then I end up insinuating that they're attention-hungry. I remind myself repeatedly to show kindness, but I still let rip one barb after another. I prep myself for a conversation, knowing I'll feel a tendency to misrepresent my true feelings on some issues. And I still end up telling some stories best left untold.

The worst part is that what I say isn't even really what I feel. I'm just reacting from this weird, self-protective kind of sarcasm. So it's not only meanness, it's narcissism.

I tried to explain one of these situations to my best friend, and she asked me why I felt I had to be kind this guy I know. I'm thinking, "Is this a trick question?" I did not realize that kindness was not a universal value. But then I had to explain--and how do you explain the need for kindness without bringing up God, Christ, grace or love? (My inability to go there with my friends is another post entirely--and another way in which I've been feeling like a complete failure recently.) So, I'm trying gingerly to give a rationale for wanting to be kind to this guy, despite our animosity. Fail. She tells me that some people just don't respond to neutrality or kindness.

That somewhat misguided advice notwithstanding, their response is not entirely my business. I ought to be in the business of kindness. Of honesty. Of thoughtfulness. Regardless of how it is received.

So I pray. And I fail. I pray. Then fail. On and on. Soon, I start to wonder, why does God love me? How can He forgive this stuff?

And Grace becomes a little bit more real.

Maybe staying in the center of that grace is the key to my taming of the tongue?