my soul knows it.

Look, I will love worship music forever. Like, FOREVER. No matter what happens to my faith, my spirituality, whatever. If I die an atheist, you would STILL have to pry my Maverick City album from my cold, dead, heathen hands. 

Of all of the things that have been difficult in the deconstruction of my Christian faith, grappling with the music -- how much I love it, but how problematic the support of the evangelical empire can be -- has been one of the hardest things.

But damnnnn, go to Mav City, Volume 1, My Soul Sings, around minute 9, and you start to hear someone pushing a melody through the worship. Suddenly, it catches, and the room is aflame in harmony. "I've got this joy, and it won't let go. Looked in his eyes, and he freed my soul. I've got this joy and it won't let go, and my soul knows it." 

It just hits, okay? Whoever you are, whatever you are dealing with, the joy, the abandon, the musicality, it's all there, and it sweeps me into the best place. And I know that those Pentecostals stole my soul, because I cannot hear it without lifting my arms, and going. to. church. 

Worship music. It's the thing I cannot give up, no matter how problematic. And the Gospel. I can't let that go either, but it is completely unproblematic. 

I have, I'm fairly certain, the world's best therapist. And with her help, I've realized recently that I get to claim my own faith. The evangelicals will sell you certainty, and I don't have to buy. Nor do I have to throw it all away. In fact, I don't have to do or believe any single thing that is pushed on me by any church or community or influencer or author. For once, I get to decide what faith means to me. I get to pick through the traditions, and the churches, the books, and songs, and the wisdom, and make the call. Just for me. You test your own stuff. 

But, that all means the worship music gets to stay. And the Gospel, the one that puts sacrifice for others above all else -- all worldly divides, all judgment. And kindness. Kindness stays. And boldness, boldness should get a place. 

For His gifts, and His call, are irrevocable.