walk.

This is a true story.

Sometimes, I want to give up on God.

Usually because I feel overwhelmingly as though I've failed Him. I think...why bother? This is too hard. I can't be an actual believer. I kinda suck at believing anyway. Why keep at this? I'm never going to live up to the kind of holiness that Christ seems to call people to. I can't do this.

Then I try to strip it down. Where is all of this pressure coming from?

Some of it is coming from inside, some from out, but none from God.

What is God's role in all of this? I think He loves me. But then...can I let Him love me? Ohhh, that's a top-of-the-roller-coast kinda feeling. Am I failing at His love, too? Can I not even do what should be the simplest of all things--accepting grace? How can that be so hard? Just accepting, just letting, just being.

A million doubts still rush in. What if this isn't real, Ash? Suppose you've been taken. Mistaken. Will you be okay to play the fool?

But remember the beginning of this. There was joy there. You said "yes" to Christ for a reason. And you felt suddenly that there was so much you hadn't seen, though you would adamantly have sworn before that there had been nothing hidden. So here, again, you might not see it all without saying "yes." You have to trust the unseen.

Ash. From the start, you've said yes. You've kept walking. And at each new turn, you've not regretted it. The waters are getting deeper, the stakes seem to be getting higher. But the alternative is still the same. Still similarly unTruth-ful.

Walk.